The Sauna Part 309

Our visit with Richie and Carla and Cherie and Jim had been good for our souls and we launched off on the final leg of our journey refreshed and renewed. The breeze off the ocean carried the scent of the sea and the warm sun shone on my face as we left California, heading North up the coast. We headed east near San Francisco where we left Cherie and Jim and crossed over to Reno and from there we drove through the Nevada desert and made our way towards Salt Lake City. Utah was nearly as varied and beautiful as Colorado and we lingered for days at a time in the mountains and national forests.

We’d started to grow accustomed to sleeping under the stars, except when it rained and we weathered the storms we encountered in hotels and roadside motels. We ran into a spell of nasty weather near Altamont and began to get restless after two days in the motel. When the storm cleared, we were back on the road and we veered North to check out the mountains and lakes just over the border and into Wyoming. We’d traveled all over the world during Jon’s years with the band, but it was this trip through our own country that brought us closest to nature.

It was the middle of August and we knew we needed to start heading home. I was missing my cats after another month on the road, but we savored our last night in the Rocky Mountains before heading southward to Colorado Springs. Jon built a campfire and I skewered the meat and vegetables we’d bought on our last stop. Even simple shish kabobs tasted exceptional when cooked over an open fire. I was glad we’d purchased a few basic camping supplies early on in our trip.

We washed up in the stream that ran alongside our campsite and filled up the coffee pot with crystal clear water. Our meal was nothing fancy, but it was filling and satisfying and we even managed a dessert of s’mores. We’d eaten in some of the finest restaurants in New York City and abroad, and we’d been catered to by famous chefs far and wide, but our tastes had grown simpler as we grew older. Even our appetites weren’t what they used to be, but the fresh air and exercise from setting up camp made us feel young for a time and we ate with renewed gusto.

Mornings were rougher, when we woke stiff and sore with nothing but sleeping bags to shield us from uneven ground. Once we got moving, our aches and pains seemed to fade into memory as we rode through the hills and valleys awash with the rays of the sun. We arrived back in Pagosa just after Labor Day and the grounds showed the signs of their neglect. We busied ourselves with harvesting herbs and weeding the garden which had become our haven over the years.

Cherie and Jim took the train out to see us and I was glad to be reunited with Jovi and little Richie who they’d kept while we were away. Jim seemed more content than I’d seen him as Cherie had finally gone for a ride and realized she liked it. They’d ridden most every day since the first time and it had a strangely calming effect on Cherie’s otherwise anxious nature and I could see Jim had benefited too. Time continued to march on and we lived our lives in relative peace and comfort, away from the press who had dogged so much of Jon’s career.


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The Summers went quicker and quicker in the succeeding years and in fact the seasons seemed to be changing faster and faster. Time was slipping away from us at an ever increasing pace and I no longer resisted seeing myself as the Crone. It was in the Fall of my sixty fifth year when I discovered the lump and I knew.

I didn’t tell Jon right away, as I wasn’t sure yet myself. I waited anxiously for the results of the mammogram, but deep in my heart, I already knew. Cancer. No single word in the whole English language had quite the same impact as the word cancer. I’d had a few weeks to prepare for the news, but I sat there in shock as the doctor told me the results.

“There’s no need for a biopsy…” I remember him saying before my brain had turned off. How was I going to tell Jon? I recall thinking as I numbly nodded my head without hearing another word the doctor had spoken. He scheduled me for a follow-up appointment with an oncologist and I remember wondering what was the point? I had terminal cancer. What more did I need to know?

The autumn leaves were bursting with color as I walked to my car, more brilliant than ever against the endless blue sky that hovered above me. The October sun was losing it’s warmth and already there was a slight chill in the air. I’d always loved Autumn, with its vibrant hues and the heady aroma of woodsmoke rising up from the chimneys. Jon would have started a fire to warm up the house and I’d mull some cider for us when I got home.

My thoughts drifted back to the first Halloween we had shared back in Buffalo. I smiled, remembering Pumpkinville, as I drove home in a fog. I made a mental note to myself that we needed to go and get pumpkins and I still needed to call and get more wood delivered before the snow came. The first fallen leaves crackled and crunched under my boots as I made my way up the driveway towards the house. Soon it would be Samhain, when the souls of the dead roamed the earth. By next year I’d be among them.

The next couple of weeks before Samhain flew by like crows headed South for the winter. I needed some time to collect my thoughts, make some decisions and make peace with my fate. I still had plenty of time. We carved the pumpkins and took long walks in the woods and I prepared the herbs that had been drying since late Summer. Life seemed so normal and I relished every mundane task as though they were special.

We’d celebrated Samhain tonight and I still hadn’t found a way to tell Jon. I’d rehearsed what I wanted to say, but I couldn’t seem to find the right time. I convinced myself that I’d sense the right moment, but when was the right time to deliver such news? Was it Jon or myself I was protecting from the truth? I finally ran out of excuses later that night while we were lying in bed. We had just finished making love and Jon pulled me close to kiss me goodnight.

“Baby, what’s this? It feels like a lump” he observed, gently fondling my breast.

I turned away, unable to look at his face and say what I needed to say. The words just stuck in my throat. The tears rolled down my cheek as I gathered my nerve.

“Trish? Trish, what is it? Look at me!” Jon said in a voice suddenly filled with alarm as he turned me to face him.

One look in my eyes told him all I’d been unable to say. The words I’d rehearsed hung in the air, unspoken, as he searched my face and he knew. I took a deep breath and forced myself to look into his eyes.

“Jon, I have cancer” I said in a steady voice which sounded surprisingly calm.

“No” he insisted despite what he knew deep inside. “Trish, it might just be a cyst. All lumps aren’t cancer. I knew a woman once, years ago…” he began as denial set in.

“Jon, I’ve seen the doctor already. There’s no question it’s cancer” I countered, anticipating what he’d say next. “I’ve known for a couple of weeks.”

He was silent for a moment, absorbing the impact of what I’d just said. His mind was reeling, but he did what men do in situations like this. He searched for an answer. There was treatment available and money was no object. He could fix this.

“What’s the treatment? What do we need to do? We’ll see a specialist. We can beat this, baby” he rallied.

I shook my head sadly, and my heart broke as I watched the confusion wash over him. I’d had time to digest this and consider the options, but for Jon it wasn’t so clear. He’d faced seemingly insurmountable obstacles over his life and there wasn’t a problem he couldn’t solve. He wouldn’t accept it. He couldn’t accept it. There was an answer. There had to be an answer, he told himself.

“What are you saying? I don’t understand” he demanded, panic making his voice sound more shrill than he meant.

“Jon, my love, it’s too late and it isn’t that type of cancer. It’s already spread and there isn’t much they can do. I’m dying. It won’t be tomorrow or even this year, but I won’t see another Samhain, that much I know ” I explained.

“No, Trish, no! They might be wrong! Doctors can be wrong and they don’t know everything. We’ll get another opinion. We’ll look into other forms of treatment, research even…” he persisted but I held up my hand.

“No. What time I have left, I’m not going to spend it with doctors and hospitals. I’m not taking drugs that will just make me sicker…” I protested but Jon couldn’t hear me.

“You can’t give up! I won’t give up! I won’t let you give up! Trish, baby, please! Tell me you’ll fight!” he pleaded with me desperately.

This wasn’t how I’d hoped the conversation would go, but it was what I’d expected. Jon wasn’t used to being told “no” and now wasn’t the time to try and teach him. The anguish and terror I saw in his eyes hurt me more than any pain I could imagine and I just didn’t have the heart to refuse him. If anyone could find a way to cheat death, it was Jon.

“Okay, Jon, we’ll fight” I agreed with just a little more hope than I’d had.