The Sauna Part 301

After Jon’s birthday party, our life returned to a semi-normal routine. Winter eventually gave way to Spring and the temperatures became milder and Jon’s restlessness set in with a vengeance. He paced through the house like a caged lion, looking for something to focus his limitless energy. The Spring Equinox passed and Richie’s visit with Ava at Easter had provided some welcome respite from what had become a rather ordinary existence, but Jon couldn’t do ordinary for very long, I soon learned.

It was easier for me to adapt to the slower pace and I wasn’t especially anxious to recreate the hectic social schedule to which Jon was accustomed. I loved this time of year when the earth began to renew itself and I was antsy to get to work on a garden. Just as Jon was missing the hustle and bustle of the city, I was missing my old home in Buffalo. I wistfully remembered that I would have been busy with clearing out the dead leaves and bracken as I prepared the ground for new life.

“Watcha thinkin’, babe?” Jon asked, watching me as I daydreamed while we sipped our coffee one morning.

“I’m thinking about what I’d usually be doing if I were back in Buffalo” I answered.

“Buffalo? You miss Buffalo? I was just thinking about New Jersey actually” he replied thoughtfully.

“Do you want to go and visit the kids for a few days?” I prompted, hoping that maybe a change of scenery might do him some good.

“Are you trying to get rid of me, darlin’?” he asked with a bit of an edge to his voice.

The truth was that we’d been getting on one another’s nerves a bit lately. Jon was bored and that made him demanding and I was feeling the need for some time to myself. I was getting tired of trying to find things to keep him entertained while I attended to the business end of Backstage and the Foundation and there wasn’t really that much that seemed to capture his fancy for very long. Togetherness was a wonderful thing, but it did tend to get old day in and day out without having regular jobs that gave us some time apart.

“I can see that you’re bored here…” I began, but he interrupted.

“And you’re getting sick of me always hanging around. I’ll go to New Jersey for a few days, if that’s what you want. At least the kids will be happy to see me” he finished, getting up from the table with an attitude.

“Jon, I didn’t say that” I replied wearily.

But it was true in a way. I found it hard to believe myself, but his constant need for attention felt like a drain. Jon wasn’t the sort of person who could easily occupy himself alone and he tended to get irritable when he didn’t have something to work on. He didn’t have projects or hobbies and he really wasn’t interested in much besides working. He’d tried writing a few songs, but he wasn’t feeling particularly creative and he needed new sources of inspiration.

“You didn’t have to” he spat back as he stormed out of the kitchen.

I knew I should probably go after him, but I was almost relieved. His moodiness was oppressive and perhaps a break from each other was something we actually needed. I was beginning to resent the implied accusations that I was somehow to blame for his lack of contentment and yes, there were other things in my life besides Jon. I’d given up a lot of who I had been and if I continued to wrap my life around his with nothing that was genuinely mine, well, … I wasn’t going to go down that path.

*************

Up in our bedroom, Jon began packing. He whipped out his suitcase and started tossing clothes in it without really thinking about what he wanted or needed, he just knew he was miserable and he needed relief. For nearly a year now, his greatest happiness he had found at my side and now the only thing he wanted to do was to get away. He felt like an intruder in his own home, like he somehow didn’t belong here and he needed to find a place where he fit. New Jersey, he thought to himself. Who says you can’t go home?

Jon called the airport and booked the first flight out of Colorado and he was packed and ready to leave within the hour. I offered to drive him to the airport, but he refused and told me it wasn’t necessary. He’d already taken care of a car and he could take care of himself. I was wounded and hurt, but I wasn’t about to beg him to stay. Fine, go, I can take care of myself too.

I started crying the moment his cab left the driveway. How had we come to this in a matter of only a month? We’d both so looked forward to spending time with each other without interruption and now we could barely stand to be in the same room together. Unless we were having sex. When we went to bed, everything seemed to fall into place and we fit together like a hand in a glove. But when we woke up and started the day, it all seemed to crumble and there was nothing but tension lately.

It hadn’t started out that way, though. After Jon’s birthday we’d had the kids for one more day and while we were sad to see them leave, it was heaven being alone together for the first week. We spent lazy days in bed until noon, afternoons in the hot tub or out on the snowmobile, and in the evenings we watched movies and drank wine and made love. We went out to dinner a few times, but mostly we cooked meals together at home-or rather I cooked and Jon distracted me. We’d been blissfully happy just doing nothing at first.

I began to feel the need to do something productive and I’d settled into a routine of spending a few hours working each morning and afternoon. In the beginning, Jon was supportive and he took that opportunity to work on some songs and to catch up on reading and studying more about Wicca. Together we’d planned the ritual for the Spring Equinox and all had gone well, but slowly things seemed to deteriorate. Jon became restless and bored and I became frustrated with little time to myself. It was all he could manage to leave me alone while I worked on the business, but anything else he seemed to resent. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d read a book or had time to work on a painting or draw.

**************

Jon ordered his third glass of wine since the plane had taken off, but he still couldn’t turn off his head. What the hell happened? She can barely stand the sight of you, you ass! Jon said to himself. You wanted her to take over Backstage and be part of the Foundation and then you sit there and pout like a baby when she’s working and doesn’t have time to play with you.

“Ah, but you only wanted her to have those jobs so she didn’t need a real one that would interfere with paying attention to you!” Richie’s voice rang in his ears.

He’d called Richie on the way to the airport to complain about what a bitch I was being and Richie had gotten right to the heart of the matter. He’d laid it all out in black and white without mincing words or sparing Jon’s feelings. He could always count on Richie to be brutally honest. Why didn’t Trish get angry or yell? Why didn’t she just tell me to back off and give her some space?

“Are you so sure she didn’t? Were you even listening? Or were you just so wrapped up in your own needs at the time that you just couldn’t hear? Does she have to beat you over the head with the obvious? When was the last time you asked what she needed from you? Did you ever even think about that?” Richie’s words stung like a slap in the face.

Jesus, Goddess, I’ve been such a bastard. It’s all about me, it’s always been all about me. It isn’t her fault that I don’t lead a normal life or that I’ve never learned how, for that matter. She never complained while I dragged her around the continent, away from her family, her friends, her cats and her life. When it was time for me to adjust and adapt to her lifestyle, what did I do? I whined and sulked like a two year old. No wonder she didn’t stop me from leaving!

*************


Jon’s given me everything I could possibly ask for and how do I treat him when he finally comes home and needs some love and attention? Like he’s a bother and a pain in the ass. Would it have killed you to lighten up just a bit? How many chances have you actually had to just kick back and relax and enjoy being together without a whole host of fans, paparazzi or even the band dogging your every move? What on earth is the matter with you? Is being happy really that hard?

I was beating myself up with these questions when the phone suddenly rang. My heart started beating rapidly as I answered the call, hoping it was Jon and that he’d had a change of heart. It took a moment to register when I heard Richie’s voice on the other end of the phone.

“Hey doll, how ya doin’?” his voice boomed in my ear.

“Oh Richie, I’m such a mess. I’ve been so selfish and now I’ve chased Jon away. He’s flying home to New Jersey to see the kids and get away from me!” I sobbed into the phone.

“Whoa, hold on a minute, darlin’. I was worried Jon had screwed with your head and I can see that I was right” he said adamantly.

“Richie, what do you mean? You don’t know the whole story…” I began.

“Just stop right there. Jon called me to whine about how you’ve been neglecting him and I gave him an earful. They should build a monument to his self-centeredness” Richie muttered, “but go ahead and tell me your version. I’m listening.”

I poured out my soul and told Richie all I’d been thinking and all that had happened and he listened patiently as I told my tale. When I had finished, he took a deep sigh before offering any advice. He knew he’d been right about Jon; he knew him backwards and forwards like a well read book. What he hadn’t realized was that I hadn’t really even tried to tell Jon how I felt or what I needed and that made it worse, leaving him to guess at why I seemed distant.

“Trish, Jon loves you and he does care about how you feel and what you need. But he’s not a mind reader and you need to tell him when you’re feeling smothered. Don’t just push him away. I know he can be selfish and demanding, but he really doesn’t mean to be. He’s hurting too. He thinks you’ve rejected him and he knows that he blew it, but he doesn’t know why” Richie said softly. “You both need to learn how to just live together and share what you need” he finished.

Richie was right and both Jon and I behaved badly. Neither of us really had much experience, or for that matter skill, in expressing our needs in a positive way. Jon became petulant and demanding whereas I withdrew and became distant. We both needed to work on being more open in our day to day life and we needed to establish our lives together, away from the spotlight and the intensity of a tour. We needed to learn how to “do” normal.