The Sauna Part 302

I kept trying to call Jon, but the line was constantly busy. Eddie climbed onto my lap to try and comfort me, carrying his little stuffed mouse between his teeth and depositing it in my hand in a futile attempt to get me to play. I didn’t feel much in the mood, but the distraction worked for a while and we played fetch for a bit while I ran through what I needed to say when I reached Jon. Eddie finally gave up after my half-hearted attempts to play with him and changed tactics, cuddling against me instead, but all I could do was bury my face in his fur and cry at that point.

Jon dialed my number over and over, frustrated by the constant busy signal and cursing under his breath. Dammit, why isn’t the call waiting working? he thought miserably as he hit the redial button again and flagged the stewardess for another drink. He needed to talk to me and he wasn’t about to let technology stand in his way. Ah, finally, it’s ringing.

“Hello?” I sniffed, upsetting Eddie as I lunged for the phone.

“Trish? What’s wrong? You don’t sound right…” Jon began, realizing I’d been crying.

“Oh Jon, I’ve been trying to call you! I’m so sorry, baby…” I sobbed, overcome with relief and remorse.

“Ssshhhh, baby, it’s okay. I’ve been such an ass…” he countered, feeling his own pangs of guilt as he tried to apologize.

And so it went-each of us interrupting the other in our desperate attempts to undo the damage and own up to our piece in the conflict. We both felt ashamed and we were anxious to repair the rift between us as quickly as possible. The separation we’d both craved a few hours ago now seemed unbearable and we were both full of regret and resolutions.

“I’ll never walk out like that again, baby, I promise” Jon pledged.

“I should have stopped you” I said with conviction.

Finally we got past the oaths and apologies and began to try and discuss what we needed and to share what we should have said in the first place.

“Jon, I didn’t want you to leave. I just needed some space. Lately I’ve felt like I barely have time to catch my breath between things I need to do and I just want some time to myself. I feel like I’m losing myself …” I began.

“Go on, I’m listening” Jon encouraged.

“I started feeling guilty about not spending enough time with you. I knew you were bored and frustrated and I felt responsible, but I started to resent feeling responsible. Jon, I love that you’re home and I love being together, but…” I shared, trying to express how I felt.

“But you don’t wanna feel like my babysitter?” he offered.

Goddess, that sounded harsh. When he put it like that, it sounded awful, but it was partially true. I’d always been a pretty independent person and I wasn’t used to having my time and attention monopolized so completely by one person. I needed a little space to be able to breathe, but I didn’t want him to feel rejected and I didn’t want him to be bored with me either.

“Jon, I …” I said, struggling to find the right words.

“Trish, baby, it’s okay, really. I’m a selfish bastard and I know it. I WAS expecting you to just focus on ME. It’s just what I did to Dot when I’d come home from a tour. I expected her to just drop whatever she was doing and pay attention to ME. And the kids too. Daddy’s home, life can begin now!” he said with a mock tone of disgust.

“I’d come home and expect to be the star of the show and then I’d get pissy when I realized I wasn’t. I’ve never had to accommodate other people; it’s always been up to them to accommodate ME. I felt like a stranger in my own home when I’d realize it wasn’t all about ME. I know I was smothering you and I am truly sorry. The truth is that while I like to believe that everyone depends upon me, I’m really the needy one. I’m the one who depends on everyone else to cater to me” he confessed.

It was quite an admission and quite a revelation for Jon. He realized he was repeating the past and he knew where that took him. He didn’t want to go down that road, but there wasn’t any other path that he knew.

“Jon, it’s not about being selfish. It’s about being scared. You feel abandoned when you feel you aren’t needed” I reframed the conflict.

“And I feel lost” he added thoughtfully. “I don’t know what else to do.”

And that was the heart of it. Not only did Jon feel abandoned and rage like an infant when his needs weren’t being met, but he had no mechanism for soothing himself. He had no sense of security, no sense of being loved when he wasn’t the focus. He also hadn’t developed any sense of himself outside his relationships. He admired independence in others, but he also resented it because it threatened his sense of safety. He’d made me his mirror and when I wasn’t there to reflect him, he was empty. That’s why he needed his fans like he did.

“Jon, I love you and I still love you even when I’m engrossed in other things. My love doesn’t stop when we’re not together. My love isn’t that fragile that it will disappear like a puff of smoke when I focus my attention on something else, or even someone else or even myself” I said, speaking to the terrified child that he was at the moment.

“I know that here” he replied, pointing to his head. “I just can’t convince myself here” he sighed, gesturing to his heart.

I wanted to hold him, to comfort the wounded child that lay beneath the arrogant rock star. Jon’s narcissism wasn’t rooted in ultimate selfishness, it was born from a deeply disturbed relationship with his mother. As a child he had bonded, but he had failed miserably to negotiate separation. Jon had never felt able to grow away from his mother and still know he was loved. I was angry with Carol all over again at her inability to help Jon emotionally.

“Then I’ll keep reminding you, love” I smiled into the phone. “but Jon, I do need you to allow me some space” I added. “I need you to find other things when you’re not working that mean something to you. I won’t become angry if you do things that don’t include me. I want you to have your own life apart from me too, not just on the road” I emphasized.gently.

“I know, babe, I know. I need to learn how to unwind and relax by myself more” he agreed. “I don’t want you to feel responsible for keeping me entertained.”

“As long as we’re sharing our fears and our needs, I need to confess something too” I said, pushing myself to be vulnerable just as Jon had done. “I didn’t tell you I needed space because, just like you, I was afraid that I’d lose you. I was afraid that you were getting bored with me and that if I didn’t please you, you’d leave me” I admitted in a tremulous voice.

“And then that’s just what I did! Oh shit, baby, I’m so sorry” he said, kicking himself again mentally.

“But Jon, I drove you to it. I pushed you away, I know that I did. I was too afraid to say how I felt and I withdrew. And I’m terrified of how much I need you and I’d rather just pretend that it’s all about being smothered because that’s easier for me to admit. But if we’re being honest, I’m afraid to let myself get that close. I’m so afraid of drowning inside you. We triggered each other’s worst fears, you know. It wasn’t just you. We aren’t all that different, we just act it out differently and we have different triggers” I replied.

“Trish, I’ll never leave you, never. You’re my life baby and I don’t need you to entertain me, just love me. When you need time to breathe, just tell me you still love me” he said, his need naked before me.

“I love you, Jon, so much so that it scares me sometimes” I reassured him.

We’d navigated the roughest patch in our relationship so far and we were still alive and still breathing. Whatever obstacles we were bound to encounter, we’d weather the storm-together. Nothing could stand in our way.