The Sauna Part 165

“I can’t believe it’s you” he said in a voice as thick as honey and I wanted to gag.

The mere thought of my ex-husband made my skin crawl and seeing him this close after so many years brought up a stockpile of feelings I had long since buried. Images from the past overwhelmed me and I began to feel the bile rise in my throat as I smiled nonchalantly. I was distantly aware of Jon’s presence as he cleared his throat and it grounded me.

“Jeff, I’d like you to meet my husband, Jon. And Jon, my love, meet Jeff, my ex-husband” I said in an icy voice without taking my eyes off the man I mistrusted more than any man in the world.

I heard Jon’s chair scrape the tile floor as he pushed it back from the table and stood. His eyes locked onto those of the man who he held responsible for having ruined my self-esteem years ago and he was anxious to let the bastard know just how much of a fool he thought he was. He took a step towards Jeff, but instead of shaking his hand, Jon extended his hand to me and I rose also.

“I’m grateful for whatever mistake you made that gave Trish a reason to leave as she is the most precious thing in the world to me and I plan to make sure that I never give her such a reason myself” Jon said as he slipped his arm around my waist without taking his eyes away from Jeff.

I caught my breath at his words, never expecting Jon to have been so direct, but I was glad there was no need for me to feign civility for his sake. It had been fifteen years since the divorce and I was a far cry from the mess I had been when I finally found the courage to leave Jeff. He had caused me to doubt myself in almost every possible way back in the days of our marriage and he had systematically destroyed every shred of self-confidence I had ever had.

I had felt stupid, useless and unappealing and had been convinced that no man would ever want me, but I had dredged up enough pride to leave him anyway. Over the years I had begun to rebuild my shattered sense of identity and I had grown much as a person once I was no longer in his shadow. I had built a protective wall around me for much of that time, but Jon had broken through those barriers and I no longer felt unworthy of being loved or wanted.

“Jeff, let’s not pretend that we’re old friends, okay? I’ve long since moved on after I left you and I’m not the person you knew and I have no desire for you to know the person I’ve become. It’s all just an unpleasant memory to me now, and I admit that I was startled to see you, but that’s all. As you can see, I’ve managed well without you and the gods have rewarded me with the most amazing man” I concluded, turning to Jon as he stroked my cheek and smiled.

“Well, then, I guess there is little left to say” Jeff hissed and I saw his eyes narrow as he looked from me to the man at my side.

“Just goodbye” Jon said as he dismissed him with an air of finality.

Jeff turned on his heels and stalked away towards his table and the bewildered looking woman who sat there waiting for him to return. Our meal arrived, but I had lost my appetite by then and Jon seemed to have lost his as well. Neither of us wanted to give Jeff the satisfaction of leaving and so we stayed and picked at our food. I was much calmer now that the shock had worn off and I found my hunger beginning to return after a few mouthfuls of the delicious fare.

“Shit, what an arrogant asshole he is” Jon muttered as he began to feel his appetite returning.

“Yes, he certainly is, but you really put him in his place, baby. Thank you” I grinned as I reached again for his hand.

“I wanted to pop him in the mouth and if I’d had a bit more wine I just might have. I know you’ve only told me bits and pieces, but I know how badly he hurt you, and I am so proud of the way you stood up to him, darlin’. I’m just sorry he stirred up old memories that were better left buried” he said, still seething.

“Maybe it needed to happen, Jon. I’ve tried to keep that door shut a long time because I was ashamed of who I had allowed myself to become back then. But you know, it’s a strange thing. I don’t feel that pit in my stomach when I think about it now. I’m actually rather proud of myself for what I’ve accomplished and perhaps I wouldn’t be the person I am now had I not been forced to grow in order to survive. If things had been easier, maybe I wouldn’t have learned as much as I did. It was the discomfort I felt in my own skin back then that forced me to re-examine my life” I observed.

“I know what you mean, babe. Misery can be a great motivator at times, but I still prefer love and support. It doesn’t always need to be painful to learn. But if seeing that jackass tonight helped you release some of your demons, then I’m glad too” Jon reflected.

Jon was so profound at times that he stunned me. I’d always known and respected the fact that pain was a tremendous motivator for people. Hell, people entered therapy because they had gotten to a place where it was just too painful to be any longer. I knew they needed love and support to heal, but I’d never really thought about how that alone could foster growth. Perhaps pain wasn’t necessary to spur spiritual and emotional growth.

“How did you become so wise, love?” I wondered.

“I smartened up after I had kids. You learn a lot by watching them and my kids taught me a lot. Any wisdom I have I owe to them” Jon laughed.

We finished our dinners in comparative silence and I thought about what Jon had said. I’d grown in many ways since falling in love with him and it had been anything but painful. Perhaps people didn’t always need pain in their lives to prompt change. Perhaps love and support alone was enough for people to strive to become better. I had seen so much pain in my years as a therapist that my perception was skewed. I saw how it led people to change and I assumed it was as necessary as support. I was beginning to realize I had been wrong. People could grow without pain as long as they knew they were loved, I just hadn’t seen a whole lot of that myself.

“You know, I’d always thought of myself as an optimist, but I’m thinking now that I really had a more negative view of people all along. You’ve really shown me the true nature of optimism” I concluded.

“I’ve always tried not to dwell on what’s bad and instead I try to focus on what could be and what I can do to move things in that direction. We both try to change the world in our own ways; I’ve just never viewed suffering as necessary or desirable, but I think I may have overlooked its potential to create change too” he said thoughtfully.

The waiter returned to take our order for dessert and we both declined, preferring to have coffee in our room where we could be alone together. Jon paid the bill and we took the pot with us as we headed back to the cottage without as much as a backward glance toward my ex and his new companion.