The Sauna Part 155

The next morning we woke to a pelting hailstorm. The power had gone out during the night and the house was cold as evidenced by the cats that were snuggled in bed, two hidden beneath the blankets.

“Shit, it’s freezing in here” Jon observed as he sat up.

“I think the power is off” I added, noting it was still very dark and I couldn’t see the clock.

“I’ll make us a fire, but I’m afraid we won’t have any coffee” he grimaced.

He was right. Without power, there was no way we could make coffee and I couldn’t cook anything for breakfast. It was a good thing Jon had insisted on buying the baked goods or there’d have been little to eat this morning.

“I’ll get some candles and fix us something to eat. If I can’t have coffee, maybe a sugar rush will wake me up” I offered.

Jon built a fire and I was again thankful for the fireplace in the bedroom. It would have been hard to heat up a larger room like that, but the bedroom would warm up pretty quickly. I fixed us a tray of sweets and there was milk and juice in the frig, and I remembered we had bought some frappucino coolers too. It would have to do.

We settled down in front of the fire and grabbed a couple thick blankets off the bed to wrap ourselves in and uncovered Eddie and Zeke in the process. I went and got the kitty blanket from the cat bed in the next room and covered them up again, making sure to cover poor Beowulf as well.

She didn’t move and I placed my hand under her chin, waiting to feel her breath. Nothing. My heart began to race and I felt myself starting to panic as I called for Jon. He was at my side immediately, alarmed by the choking sound in my voice.

Her body was stiff and cold and I felt the hot tears stinging my face as I grasped what had happened. She had come to bed to be with us during her last moments on earth and she had passed quietly during the night. I was devastated and I started to shake uncontrollably and I wanted to scream.

Jon pulled me away from the bed where she laid and he held me tightly as I sobbed into his chest. My mind wrestled with the facts as I shook my head, still unable to believe she was gone. She was very old, but I’d seen no signs that anything was wrong and I wondered immediately if the stress of the move had just been too much for her.

“Baby, it’s okay. It was her time, that’s all and she was here with us where she belonged. It wasn’t your fault” he said soothingly, trying to comfort me.

Jon had begun to realize that I had a tendency to blame myself for anything bad that happened and he seemed to know instinctively where my mind had gone. He wouldn’t admit that it crossed his mind as well, but he was glad we hadn’t pursued our original plan to give her to Cherie. And it would have been so much worse if this had happened when we were away.

“Oh, Jon, why? Why did this have to happen now?” I cried violently.

“I don’t know, baby, I don’t know” he said softly, stroking my hair.

He hated to see me in such pain and he wished he knew what to say, but he knew that telling me that perhaps it was for the best wouldn’t be appropriate. The cat was quite old, almost eighteen, and he really believed it was just her time. He also found himself thinking that one less cat, particularly such an old one, might make traveling away a bit easier on us in the long run.

“She was my baby girl, my first cat!” I wailed, all the sorrow and grief spilling forth in a torrent of sobs.

“I know, darlin’, I know. She had a good life and she wasn’t in any pain, it was just her time and I think she wanted to say goodbye before we left again. She loved you and she knew how much you loved her” he said, his voice steady as he spoke.

“But I wasn’t ready…” I said through my tears. “I didn’t say goodbye” I sniffed as the sobbing began to subside.

“But she did and she was ready, honey. She was with you through so many difficult times and I think she knew you’d be okay without her now. She knows you’re not alone anymore” he said with conviction.

“I’ll miss her too” he added as he lifted my face to look at him and I saw the unshed tears in his eyes.

I threw my arms around his neck and I clung to him for comfort as much as in an attempt to soothe him too. He was right. I wasn’t alone and perhaps she had waited until she was sure I was in good hands. She had trusted Jon and I needed to do the same. And I needed to trust the God and Goddess that death was just another part of the cycle of life. Beowulf had left me, but she would be my kitty angel now, waiting for me to join her someday.

The power came back on suddenly and it jolted us both. We knew it was a sign, a good sign that Beowulf was safe in the arms of the Goddess. I tried to smile, but I couldn’t quite manage that just yet. With time I would come to make peace with her passing and not blame myself. But not today.

“Why don’t you make us some coffee and I’ll take her outside and find a spot for her in the garden, okay, babe?” he prompted softly.

I was so grateful to him for taking care of this as I didn’t think I could do it myself. I wanted to hold her one more time before we buried her, but the feel of her limp body in my arms made me nearly hysterical. Jon gently took her from me, her body light as a feather, and he wrapped her in the blanket I had used to try and warm her. He disappeared with his burden out the garage door and I sat down by the fire and cried again.

The other cats were all awake now and Eddie climbed into my lap and purred, trying his best to comfort me. They all came to me, one by one, and nuzzled against me, acutely aware of my distress. I held each one in their turn and told them how much they meant to me and explained that their sister was gone. Finally, I went to the kitchen and fed them and began making the coffee, feeling numb.

Jon came in from the garage and he was soaked. The hail had stopped, but it was still raining heavy and he had dug the hole in the garden where we would bury Beowulf. He had stopped short of laying her in the ground, thinking instead that I should be there and that there might be something I wanted to add. He had found a wooden crate in the garage and laid her body, still wrapped in the blanket, in the box until I was ready.

“You’re soaked, love. You need to get out of those wet clothes” I commanded, focusing on the here and now.

“I will, but first come and say goodbye before I finish” he said sadly, reaching for a cup of the coffee to warm up a bit.

I started to cry again, but I nodded. I guess I hadn’t even thought about that yet, not even really realizing he had already dug the hole and was waiting for me. I went to the living room and found what had been her favorite toy and Jon took a small handful of cat food from the bowl and we went outside in the pouring rain.

Jon lowered the box into the ground and I stooped to place her stuffed mouse alongside her. Jon emptied the handful of food in too and I reached for his hand. I told her how much I had loved her and I thanked her for always having been at my side through the years. I told her that I would miss her and I apologized for all the upheaval and moving her from her home. I thanked her for being so patient with the boys and for accepting all the changes that had come of late and for having welcomed Jon into our lives.

“Don’t worry, girl, I’ll take good care of your Momma until we see you again” Jon said finally and we stood up together.

He slipped his arm around my waist and we prayed to the Goddess and the God to keep her safe and make her whole. Jon reached for the shovel and began to cover her body with the earth as I watched silently, reminding myself that this was all part of a larger cycle. We walked back into the house, shivering now as our tears were washed away with the freezing rain.

“Come on, we’ll take a shower together and warm up” he said firmly as he began to help me out of my robe.

We were both soaked to the bone and the warm water felt like a balm as we stood under the steady stream. Jon washed my body gently as I stood there, too numb to move. He drew me against him and held me, caressing me with infinite tenderness and I felt myself responding to his touch. The numbness faded as I felt his love reaching through again to soothe me and I wound my fingers in his hair.

He tilted my chin up towards him and looked into my eyes, swollen now from grief. He kissed each eyelid softly before covering my mouth with his, determined to ease the pain of our loss. I met his kiss with a ferociousness borne out of my sorrow and I hungered for the magik that only he could summon.

I felt him stiffen against my thigh and he lifted me to him, entering me easily as I twined my legs about his hips. He moved towards the wall and took me slowly as I gave myself to him willingly and completely. Jon filled every empty space in my soul and I felt myself beginning to heal as I surrendered to his touch.

The mists surrounded us as the present faded and time stood still. Jon’s magik would make me whole again.