The Sauna Part 126

We drove home in a somber mood, both trying to work on a solution. I tried to explain what I was thinking, but it was still fuzzy in my own mind. I wondered how he and Dot had managed it as I knew she didn’t contribute equally in a financial sense, but she was a mother and stayed at home to raise the kids and take care of the house. That was not a role I saw myself ever being in for many reasons.

“Jon?” I said, getting his attention first as he too was lost in thought.

“Yeah, babe?” he responded, still sounding preoccupied.

“I was wondering something. How did you and Dot handle the money when you were married?” I asked, cracking the window.

“I pretty much handled it and we didn’t really discuss it unless it was a big decision, like buying the house. Even then, the discussion was more about where to live and what kind of house we wanted and she just trusted me to determine what we could afford” he answered.

“Did you ever run into a situation where you had to decide over a couple of choices because you couldn’t afford everything you both wanted?” I wondered.

“Not as far as the house or the cars or vacations or stuff like that. She usually spent a few grand every month on food, clothes, and stuff for the kids, whatever and we never really had to discuss it. What was mine was hers and theirs. I still pay all the bills for the house and whatever the kids need, and she gets five grand a month in alimony which she’ll always get unless something changes drastically. Does that help?” he asked, wondering where I was headed.

“A little, but I wondered if there was ever something that either of you wanted that you couldn’t afford or had to make a choice together about?” I pushed.

“I guess when I wanted to buy the football team. I wanted an NFL team, but I knew that was unreasonable myself. So I settled for part ownership in the Soul and I’m actually glad it worked out that way as I like it better. We never really argued about money. You and I have had more discussions about it than Dot and I ever did” he said ruefully.

I was silent then, wondering just how to take that. Did he see our discussions as unnecessary annoyances and wish I would just get over whatever it was that was bugging me? Did he want to keep it that way now, being in charge completely and making all the decisions himself? Was I being unreasonable expecting to have some say in how we spent money I hadn’t contributed to? Did I really need to be involved if Dot had never needed to? Did he want me to be involved? The only way I’d know how he felt was to ask.

“Did you like it that way? Did you want Dot to be more involved or were you glad that she never questioned your decisions?” I ventured.

“I never really gave it much thought, honestly. It never bothered me. She made most of the decisions about the kids and I never really questioned them as I trusted her judgment” he added.

Perhaps it was really different when you had as much money as Jon did. Did I really need to have a say in what the money was spent on? No, not really. I did trust Jon and I was beginning to wonder if he doubted that. Besides, what right did I have to question him? I wouldn’t like it if I was in his position and it really wasn’t about the money. It was about sharing and equality. And trust, mutual trust.

“Jon, I am so sorry. It’s not that I don’t trust your judgment in financial affairs, although it probably seems like that. I’m just feeling like I have no role at all, no responsibility for anything. Dot took care of the kids and that was a big contribution and you depended on her for that and trusted her. But what do I do? What do you depend on me to take care of? What decisions do you trust me to make? Where do I fit in?” I asked, the tears forming again.

“Baby, I trust you completely. More than I ever trusted another living soul. I depend on you for my happiness and I trust you with my life” he began, but stopped as he realized that wasn’t the same at all.

“I know, love, but I feel the same way towards you. That’s equal and balanced and we both depend on each other emotionally. My life can’t just be about pleasing you, though. I need to feel useful and equal in this relationship” I pointed out, the specter of my mother casting a shadow over me.

“I know. And I don’t want or expect your life to revolve around me and my needs and I know that would never be enough for you, as appealing as that idea might sound” he said, smiling for the first time since we started the discussion.

I began to relax a little then as he no longer seemed irritated with me and I knew he was beginning to understand. We both needed responsibilities in order to feel good about ourselves and to be productive in our own ways. I smiled back at him as we pulled into the driveway.

“How do other people work this out? How did your parents manage it or did they both work?” he asked as we went inside.

“My mother never worked and she never handled the money. I guess she was responsible for the house and the meals and raising my sister and me, although I wish my dad hadn’t trusted her with that so much. She really wasn’t a very good mother” I admitted.

Jon looked at me then, understanding suddenly much more than I had even realized I had shared.

“Is that why you never wanted kids, babe? Were you afraid you’d be a bad mother?” he asked gently.

I hung my head. I didn’t really know, but I guessed that was part of it. I just didn’t want to ever be like my own mother and end up being dependent and helpless like she was. My parents’ marriage was anything but balanced and my dad had been responsible for most everything, including my sister and me by default when he realized he couldn’t really trust her to make good decisions about us.

I had emulated my father in my first marriage and I knew that didn’t work. I grew to resent my husband because he had no responsibility and I didn’t want that to happen with Jon. I would rather have died than to have him grow to resent me for being so dependent. I was also terrified at the thought of being anything like my own mother but I had gone overboard in my attempts to avoid that and ended up like my dad, needing to control everything.

“I don’t think it was just that, but maybe partly. I never thought I would be a good mother, but more than that I just didn’t want to be like her. I admired my dad and I wanted to be like him and I just saw my mother as weak, helpless and dependent and having nothing outside her family. Maybe if she had been a better mother, that role would have seemed more appealing” I said as much to myself as to Jon.

“I didn’t realize how you felt about your mom” Jon said quietly, absorbing this new information.

“My sister never had kids either and she feels the same as I do. Neither of us had any respect for my mother. She was so smothering towards us as we were all she had and she tried to control everything in our lives. She was involved, but not in a good way. My sister still has nightmares about her” I shared.

“Jesus, babe, I had no idea. I’m so sorry it was like that” he said, holding me close to comfort me, and wondering what my mother had done.

He thought about Dot then and what a good mother she really was and how much he valued that about her. He had always trusted her and depended on her to take care of the kids and she had always done just that, allowing him to focus on his career and the business. They really had had an equal partnership and he understood now what was missing between us.

He would have trusted me with the kids, but there was really no need. Dot was their mother and my role would always be peripheral, not primary. My role in my relationships had always been the same as his. I had the career and I managed the money. And that was all gone now. No wonder it seemed like it was all about the money. It was really all about the role.

“I can see why our situation right now is making you panic. We both need to feel needed, but we’re both used to doing it in the same way” he said as he hugged me tighter, wanting to fix this, but not really knowing how to make it alright.

I was relieved that he understood the dilemma and that it wasn’t about the money or about not trusting him. It wasn’t even about wanting to be in control. I needed a role in this relationship and he had the one I was used to having. I just didn’t know where I fit in anymore. I needed to find another way to contribute to our life together and to be responsible for something.