The Sauna Part 112

And there he was, making his way across the room towards me. A giant, six foot tall, life-sized, pink penis! I could barely contain myself as it was the most hysterical costume I had ever seen. Jon’s mouth dropped open, but then even he began to laugh in spite of himself. My old boyfriend, Jim, was always one to make his costumes more outrageous every year and this one truly took the cake. Jim reached where we were standing now and he greeted me with a huge bear hug, lifting me right off my feet and into his arms. He was as dramatic and flamboyant as ever!

He set me back down and I was still laughing as I introduced him to Jon. Jim wasn’t a big Jovi fan, but he knew the music after having been with me for several years and I could see him struggling to place where he knew the face. I think he was thrown off some by meeting him here at the party, rather than seeing his face on TV.

“And Jon, meet Jim, my favorite ex and the biggest prick I’ve ever known” I said, finishing the introduction, and smiling at Jim with genuine affection.

“Do I know you, you look so familiar?” Jim said, shaking Jon’s hand and still trying to place him.

“I think I’d remember meeting a big prick like you” Jon chuckled, somehow feeling no threat from a man dressed in a penis costume. “I’m Jon Bon Jovi” he added simply and I saw the light dawn on Jim’s face all of a sudden as he realized why Jon seemed so familiar.

“Shit! No kidding? Jesus, you’re the guy whose picture Trish had hanging above her bed when we met! Damn!” Jim said, marveling at the sudden irony.

Jon beamed that radiant smile of his as he turned to look at me, questioning the veracity of Jim’s statement and I hung my head in shame. I had completely forgotten that fact and leave it to Jim to remind me! Well, at least I didn’t need to worry about Jon feeling threatened by my ex or about a confrontation between Jon and a life-sized giant prick.

“Thanks, Jim, for reminding me. Can I go home in shame now?” I asked sheepishly.

“I’m sorry, honey, that just slipped out. I’d forgotten all about that too until now” Jim laughed. “Yeah, even back then I had to compete with you” he said jokingly to Jon.

“Sounds like you won eventually, at least back then” Jon said magnanimously now that his ego had just gotten quite a shot in the arm.

“Jim? Jim?” I heard a squeaky voice calling him as I turned to look and saw Missy tugging on his arm.

I was surprised to see her since she had never been invited to Cherie’s Halloween parties in the past, given that the bulk of us could not tolerate her. But there she was, in all her prim and proper glory, dressed accordingly as Snow White, Miss Purity herself. Standing next to Jim, I immediately had the thought that Missy should have been dressed as a condom. It would have been fitting as she was the poster girl for safe sex, or rather no sex, I thought to myself.

“Missy?” I said in disbelief.

“Oh, it’s you. Hello again” she said crisply.

“Hello Missy. It’s … uh … nice to see you again” I said tersely, knowing we’d mutually despised one another since our first meeting.

“My, that’s an interesting costume. Are you a prostitute now? Where’s your pimp?” Missy said icily and I gritted my teeth, fighting to control my tongue.

“That would be me” Jon said casually as he stepped forward, squeezing my waist tightly.

“Jon Bon Jovi” I introduced him, as I sneered at Missy, barely concealing my loathing.

“Yes, I see the resemblance, but you don’t really look much like Jon Bon Jovi. Or did you perhaps mean ‘John’ as in ‘trick’, in keeping with your costume’s theme, dear?” Missy said acidly, turning to me again.

I could feel the rage rising and my stomach churned as Jon tightened his grip on my waist more firmly. I dug my nails into my fists, fighting back the urge to slap her. Jon was just about to respond in my defense, but fortunately Jim jumped in, attempting to correct Missy and I realized with horror that she was actually with him. I wasn’t sure whether to laugh or to scream at the thought.

“Honey, this actually is Jon Bon Jovi. The real Jon Bon Jovi. He’s Trish’s boyfriend” he corrected her, putting his arm around Missy and hoping to subdue her.

“Husband” Jon interjected, shocking all of us, even me.

“You’re married?” Jim asked, suddenly unaware of the scathing look Missy was giving him.

“Well, not in the traditional sense of the word, but we are certainly married in the spiritual sense” I explained, knowing Jim was very familiar with my ideas regarding marriage.

Jon kissed my neck and I felt the anger all but disappear, replaced by a surge of desire at the feel of his lips on my throat. Missy groaned and rolled her eyes, and tugged at Jim to get him to leave, but he ignored her.

“You’re serious? I never thought I’d live to see that” Jim commented, shaking his head while Missy glowered at him from beneath her lashes.

“More serious than I’ve ever been about anything in my life” I answered and I turned to face Jon, kissing him fervently for emphasis.

“Oh please, you’re such a tramp and a godless pagan bitch. Marriage? You? What a joke” Missy said with her superior attitude and that was just one snarky comment too much.

I whirled around and shot her a look that made her freeze in her tracks. Missy had the most evil tongue I’d ever heard, but she was purely all talk. When it came to anything else, she was a coward, plain and simple.

“Shut your mouth now before I shut it for you” I hissed back menacingly.

“Do something! She’s threatening me!” Missy whined as she looked to Jim who was making no move to defend her.

“You started this, honey. You should apologize” he warned her and Missy blinked back a tear.

“I’ll do no such thing. Have you forgotten what she was like? C’mon, don’t you remember, that’s why you were so glad to find me! A good Christian woman, or so you said” she spat.

Jim’s face burned inside the pink velvet costume and he grabbed Missy’s arm, trying to silence her. He knew he’d said it, and he regretted it, but it was too late to take it back now. I narrowed my eyes as I watched him.

“So, you finally found what you wanted, did you? I hope it’s all you imagined it would be?” I said, feeling catty now myself as I heard Jon’s sharp intake of breath.

“Ladies, ladies, c’mon now. You both have what you always wanted, let’s play nice” Cherie chimed in, trying to ease the tension and just wanting everyone to get along.

I heard a commotion behind me then and turned to see what all the fuss was about and there, arriving finally, was my good friend, Dana. She looked like Glenda, the good witch, accompanied by her husband Dale, disguised as Merlin. Dana was dressed all in shimmering white, carrying a wand with a star at the end of it, her gorgeous blond hair held back by a rhinestone tiara. She radiated warmth and goodness and I was relieved to see her.

“Dana!” I cried, stretching out my arms as she hurried to greet me.

“Trish! You’re Fairy Godmother is here, and your Uncle Merlin!” she laughed infectiously.

I embraced her without hesitation and we hugged for a moment before I pulled back to acknowledge Dale. He looked tall and handsome, every bit the wizened old wizard with a long white beard flowing at his chin and he smiled broadly as he hugged me. Dana’s attention had turned now as she saw the human penis standing before her and she broke out into a fit of giggles.

“Jim? Is that you?” she said laughing and he smiled, bowing to greet her.

The sight of that giant penis, bent forward with the inflatable head poised to lunge at her, made me laugh in spite of myself and the anger I’d felt earlier vanished. It was one of those moments that you could only fully appreciate if you’d been there, and the image was not lost on Dana either.

“Come to Grandma, boy!” she said, egging Jim on and he took the bait, grateful to relieve the tension with comedic relief as he sprang forward, prodding Dana in the mid-section with his giant head.

Everyone laughed except for Missy, who was still in a foul humor, especially now that she was no longer the center of attention. Dana noticed Jon, standing at my elbow and did a double take.

“Holy shit! You look just like Jon Bon Jovi!” Dana said, licking her lips as she took him in with her eyes.

“That’s because this is Jon Bon Jovi! Dana, meet Jon. Jon, meet my Fairy Godmother, Dana, and her husband, Dale” I grinned, savoring the moment.

Dana’s eyes widened in total surprise as she began processing this piece of information. Jon flashed his infamous smile at her and she caught her breath as Missy stalked off to sulk.

“And you never warned me!” Dana hooted loudly as she swatted at me. “What …, how …?” she asked in total amazement.

I explained the story, albeit briefly, to Dana and she shook her head, chastising me for keeping such a secret and not calling her with the news. But her reaction was well worth holding my tongue all this time.

“I am sorry, but Jon has been keeping me busy for the past month and I’ve barely seen or talked to anyone. Right?” I asked, turning to Cherie for confirmation.

“Absolutely! This is the first I’ve even seen you since you went to New Jersey” Cherie agreed.

Jon joined in, explaining that Richie and Lainie had also come and stayed with us for the first week we were home and Dana swatted me again. I redeemed myself, though, by sharing the news about Lainie and Richie and Dana cursed herself for having stayed away from Backstage so long and missing any news. Jon filled her in on the changes there as well; assuring her she had no further need to avoid the Boards now.

Jim had gone off in search of Missy, leaving the rest of us to chat freely without the dark cloud that was Missy’s twisted sense of morality. I was glad too that Dana had missed the ugly exchange between us earlier as Dana hated conflict and fighting. Cherie’s husband, Dave, joined us and I introduced him to Jon for the first time.

“Hey, glad to meet you, man. Can we talk you into a song tonight? There are a number of your fans here, I think” Dave asked engagingly.

Jon shook his head no, explaining that he hadn’t brought his guitar and wasn’t really used to singing acapella. Dave grinned, having a ready solution as he actually made custom guitars in his spare time and offered to supply one for the occasion. Jon looked at me, questioning if it was appropriate, and I nodded indulgently as I could see the sparkle in his eyes.

He and Dave disappeared upstairs to explore Dave’s ample collection of guitars, leaving Cherie, Dana and I to chat and Dana plied me with questions, wanting details. Cherie turned her attention towards her other guests, refilling drinks and encouraging everyone to eat the goodies located strategically about the house while Dana and I caught up. I snatched a tiny quiche off one of the platters, and it hit the spot as Cherie refilled my glass of wine.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Missy fawning all over Jim and he was eating it up. I nearly gagged, but remembered how Jim had always wished I was more attentive and wondered at the price he was willing to pay for it. Missy looked directly at me, warning me to keep my distance from her man. I was sorely tempted to smile winningly at Jim just to agitate her, when I heard Jon and Dave come clattering downstairs.

They were carrying several acoustic guitars and Dave called over to Jim to join them. He handed Jim a guitar and I saw them discussing something and Dana tugged excitedly on my arm.

“What do you think they’re gonna play?” she asked breathlessly.

Jon looked up then from across the room and mouthed a question to me. I mouthed back ‘Lay Your Hands on Me’ as my answer and he nodded. Dave flashed the lights in order to get everyone’s attention and then announced that they’d be playing a few songs and the room quieted down.

I closed my eyes as I heard the first few notes and smiled in appreciation. Hearing that song always gave me the chills and Jon dedicated it to me, and all eyes turned to stare as those who had not noticed Jon earlier took notice now. Dave went next, and they played ‘Sympathy for the Devil’, with Dave singing the lead and Jon and Jim joining in on the chorus. Finally it was Jim’s turn and he dedicated the song to Missy, but as soon as I heard it I knew, and so did Jon, that it was meant for me. ‘Puff the Magic Dragon’ sprang easily from Jim’s lips. He was an accomplished folk singer and had sung it for me dozens of times over the years we’d been together and it brought back a lot of memories. But I highly doubted that Missy had any clue. I felt a brief moment of wistfulness, recalling some of the good times we’d shared, and I knew it was his way of appeasing Missy with the dedication as well as apologizing for her behavior to me.

When they were done, everyone applauded and shouted for more. Dave called to Cherie, who was now anxiously awaiting her chance, and she sang ‘Wanted, Dead or Alive’ just as she had done at my request for years at Karaoke. She was a bit startled when all the obvious Jovi fans loudly out sang her during the chorus, but Jon just grinned and shrugged his shoulders. Next she belted out the Alanis Morisette number, ‘You Oughtta Know’. Cherie was in her glory when I called out my request for ‘War Pigs’, and Jon raised his eyebrows and Dave rolled his eyes. Jon didn’t know it well enough to play it, but Dave and Jim did, having been forced to hear it every time we had ever done Karaoke.

The assembled group of guests called out more requests; numerous Jovi tunes among them and after some discussion, the three men and Cherie agreed on several that they all knew. They took turns singing and playing for the better part of an hour and I noticed that Paul had come up along side me and was singing softly. Jon was eyeing us, but he was smiling.

After they were through, Jon joined Dana, Dale, Paul and I and suggested we go outside for a smoke. Paul nodded, but Dana and Dale declined, not being smokers themselves. But Dana made sure to tell Jon how much she appreciated hearing him sing and Jon gave credit to all the others who had joined them.