The Sauna Part 125

The noise was deafening as we entered the Casino. There were bright, flashing lights as far as the eye could see and it was crowded with people at every slot machine and table. I noticed that very few people looked really happy, unlike the TV ads where everyone seemed to be laughing and having fun. Instead, the faces I saw were blank and expressionless, as though they were robots.

We walked about, just getting the feel of the place and Jon spotted the cashier area. I had only been here once before and I hadn’t stayed long, but Jon seemed more familiar with how the operation worked and steered me toward the cashiers.

“Do you want your own card, babe?” he asked as he told the cashier to put a grand on his card.

“No, I’ll just watch you” I replied, swallowing hard, as he handed his credit card to the woman. “Can you get that money back if we don’t spend it?” I whispered nervously in his ear.

“Yeah, babe. Don’t worry. We’ll spend it. Just have a good time and relax” he encouraged, realizing I was very much out of my element.

I was beginning to think this had not been such a good idea after all as I couldn’t imagine how I was going to relax when we were “playing” with half a month’s salary on my budget. I immediately thought that’s more than my mortgage payment and my utility bills combined. I smiled nervously as I tried to remind myself I wasn’t in Kansas anymore.

“What do you want to play first?” he asked as we made our way through the crowd and he pulled his baseball cap lower to maintain his anonymity.

“I’ve never played anything but the slots” I admitted.

“Let’s try the roulette wheel” he suggested, taking my elbow and maneuvering me in that direction.

We reached the table and Jon used the card to place his bet. I saw the dealer put chips in front of us, but I had no idea how much they were worth. Probably better that I didn’t know. A waitress came and took our order for drinks and Jon turned to me.

“Pick a number, baby” he smiled.

“Eighteen” I replied, for no particular reason other than the lyrics to the old Alice Cooper tune.

“Eighteen it is” he said to the dealer and we waited while he went round the table and others placed their bets.

He spun the wheel and we watched as it turned around and around. It was getting closer to eighteen and I found myself gripping Jon’s arm as it approached. I could feel the muscle harden beneath his sleeve as he tensed, watching the wheel. It clicked to a halt and landed on number eighteen and I felt Jon’s arm relax as he laughed, beaming me with a radiant smile.

“We won! You’re my lucky charm!” he exclaimed as the dealer called the number and pushed a stack of chips towards us.

The waitress returned with our drinks, which I learned were complimentary in the Casino. I took a sip of wine to steady my nerves and lit a cigarette, realizing it was okay to smoke here too.

“What did we win?” I asked, curious now.

“Three hundred dollars” he explained.

“Oh my Goddess, how much did you bet?” I cried.

“Never mind. Just pick another number” he said excitedly.

“I don’t know” I replied, still trying to absorb it all.

“Twenty-one and let it ride” he called to the dealer and we watched the wheel spin round.

The wheel stopped this time on seven and the dealer cleared all the chips as no one had chosen seven. I didn’t know how much we had just lost and I was afraid to ask, but Jon appeared non-plussed. He held up two fingers and the dealer pushed a stack of chips in front of us again and Jon turned to me.

“It seems you’re the lucky one. What number should we go with?” he asked.

“Five. Five for five cats” I teased and he rolled his eyes.

“You heard the lady. Five for the cats” he said to the dealer.

Others placed their bets and we all watched as the dealer spun the wheel. I held my breath and grabbed my wine, taking a sip, and closing my eyes to pray. I was not enjoying this at all and I was starting to feel sick to my stomach.

“Five” I heard the dealer call out and I opened my eyes.

The wheel had stopped on the number five. I heard Jon mutter “damn” as the dealer pushed over another stack of chips towards us.

“Jon, let’s quit now, please” I begged.

“But babe, you’re on a roll! We’re up from where we started” he replied, surprised.

“No. We were just lucky. Please, I don’t want to do this” I said, surprised at how upset I was getting.

“Okay, okay” he agreed reluctantly and pushed the chips toward the dealer to cash them in. He took Jon’s card and stuck it in a slot and handed it back to him.

“What’s the matter, honey? You look so upset and we just won. I don’t understand” he asked looking at me strangely.

“I don’t know. I feel dizzy and I’m sick to my stomach and I just wanna get outta here” I answered, feeling like I was about to have a panic attack.

“Okay, c’mon” he said as he steered me towards an exit.

Once we were outside in the air I could breathe again and I started to feel better. I could feel beads of perspiration on my forehead and my heart was still pounding. My hands were shaking and my stomach was in knots. I just wanted to go home.

Jon put his arms around me and brushed my hair away from his face. He looked at me tenderly, but he was concerned. I’d never had a panic attack before and I wasn’t entirely sure what triggered it, but my head was pounding and I laid it on his shoulder.

“It’s okay” he said soothingly as my heart began to return to a normal rhythm. “What happened back there?” he asked, genuinely confused.

“Uhm, I guess I had a panic attack. I think it was all the money and I just couldn’t help thinking what if we lose more. I never bet more than ten dollars before and that was gone in the slots in about fifteen minutes. I am so sorry, but I guess I’m just not cut out for gambling, love” I said as I took a deep breath of fresh air.

I felt terrible about ruining the evening and I was surprised by the vehemence of my reaction. I had never had an attraction to gambling, but I didn’t know I’d hate it. I had found it pretty boring when I had gone once before, but my friends and I had never laid out that kind of money so the stakes were never very big. I hung my head, expecting Jon to be irritated with me and disappointed, but he just shrugged his shoulders.

“S’okay. It’s no big deal. I’m not a big gambler either, but why didn’t you tell me you didn’t really want to do this?” he asked gently.

“I didn’t want to disappoint you either. And I never expected to react like that. I am sorry. I just couldn’t help thinking about how much money was at stake” I tried to explain.

“Baby, don’t apologize, it’s okay. I just wanted you to have fun and relax and not worry about the money. You really need to relax and let me deal with that and trust me that I know what we can afford, okay?” he said tenderly, but seriously.

“I’m trying, really, I am. I’m just not used to this. You’ve gotta understand-that was half a month’s salary for me. It was my mortgage and utilities combined that we were playing with. I mean, I know, you’re paying all those bills now and I am grateful, I am. I just feel like I have nothing to offer and nothing to contribute. I’ve never been in this position before” I said, crying now.

He held me close then and the tears just poured forth in a torrent. I had just quit my job; I had no income and no means of support and no way to contribute anything financially. I could pay off my credit cards when my final paychecks came in, but then I’d be broke and penniless and totally dependent on Jon. I was terrified.

“I feel worthless” I sobbed through my tears.

Jon didn’t know what to say to comfort me. He was completely unprepared for this and thought we had resolved all the issues about money. He never envisioned that having an excess of money would create as much stress as not having enough money. It was crazy. The only way he could make me secure financially was to marry me and I would have none of that.

“Trish, I don’t know what to do. It’s not about the money for me, you know that. I love you and you’re worth everything to me. But I admit I’ve never been in your shoes like this and I don’t know how I would feel if I was. I like the fact that I can take care of the bills and I want to, but I don’t want you to be miserable or feel worthless” he stammered, trying to understand.

“It’s not your fault, Jon. It’s just me. I trust you, really, I do, but it’s still scary for me to be so dependent. I’ve always had more money than any of the guys I dated and I just don’t know how to handle this. And I need to find some way to feel like I’m contributing in some meaningful way, like we’re really partners” I said, trying to articulate my scattered thoughts.

“Let’s go home and we’ll figure this out” he said as the bus to the parking lot pulled up.

I nodded and we got on the bus. I was feeling a bit better now as at least I knew what the problem was now. And I knew that it would’ve come up some other time if not over the gambling. I didn’t have an answer, but at least I knew what I needed. I needed to feel included somehow in the decisions, to be a part of the financial decisions and to have some responsibility for them. And I needed to find a way to contribute more in this relationship.