The Sauna Part 60

My mind was reeling from the shock. His words, so unexpected, took me totally by surprise. And he was watching me, waiting for an answer.

“I don’t know what to say” I stammered.

How could I tell this man I loved more than life itself that I couldn‘t marry him. I didn’t even believe in marriage. I had issues with the whole concept. I believed in two people staying together because they loved each other and because they wanted each other and because they chose to be together. But marriage, now that was a whole different matter. That was a legal arrangement that entangled people in a way that relegated choice to the back burner, and put practical things like money and property first. People stayed together because it was too costly not to, not because they loved each other. If I married Jon I’d never again know whether he was with me by choice or because it was too costly and complicated to leave. And I didn’t want that, not ever.

“Say yes, babe, say you’ll be my wife” he said, smiling, and totally misreading my hesitation until I looked away, feeling trapped, because I knew he wouldn’t understand. I couldn’t bear to look at him.

“I can’t. I don’t want to be married. Not ever” I said, knowing it would hurt him, but knowing I had to say it, knowing it was the truth.

“But I love you. I thought you loved me, I thought …” he said haltingly, forcing me to look at him.

“I do love you! I love you more than you could ever know and I’m here with you because I love you. And I want you to stay with me because you love me, because you choose to be with me … I can’t give that up. Please don‘t ask me to” I sobbed.

“But that’s why I want to marry you. Don’t you understand? It’s because I love you and I don’t ever want to be without you. I want to be with you forever, until the end of time” he pleaded, desperate to convince me and bewildered by my reaction as I sobbed harder.

“What the hell did that bastard you married do to you?” he demanded suddenly, thinking that must be the reason I was so beside myself.

“No, no, you don’t understand, it wasn’t him” I said, realizing he was still trying to make sense of this.

“Then tell me, babe, because I don’t understand. Why are you so spooked? I asked you to marry me so you would know how much I need you and want you and that I’ll never leave you. I know it’s really soon, but I know how I feel and I wanted you and the rest of the world to know it too. I thought you felt the same way” he said miserably, still thinking I was rejecting him.

I tried to catch my breath and think how I could make him understand. He saw marriage as the ultimate commitment, the next step. I saw it as a fatal mistake, the death of truth and honesty and real love.

“Jon, please, let me explain. It isn’t you I’m refusing, it’s marriage itself. We view marriage very differently. You see it as a commitment, a pledge of your devotion and believe me when I say I am more than willing and ready to devote myself to you and only you. But I see marriage as something else. I see it as a legal way to enforce a relationship and to join properties. If I marry you, neither of us will ever know if we stay together because love binds us to each other or because it’s our need to protect property rights. Too many people get married and stay together because they can’t afford to separate and I couldn’t take that if it ever happened to us. I need to know you are with me because you want to be, and never wonder if it’s because you have too much to lose. Your love means so much more to me because it’s freely given and you want to be with me. I want to give myself to you, wholly and completely, because I love you, and have that be the reason we are together, with no other strings attached, without any other reasons clouding the picture. I don’t ever want to feel you are with me for any other reason or for you to ever question why I stay with you. It isn’t because I doubt my feelings for you that I refuse marriage. It’s because I don’t ever want you to doubt my love for you and I don’t ever want to doubt your love for me” I finished finally.

Jon was silent, but he was thinking. It was obvious that what I’d said was not what he’d expected. Nor was it a perspective he’d ever heard before. In his world, people fell in love and got married to demonstrate their love and commitment for each other. In my world, the relationship itself was the commitment. It was my turn to wait now for his answer.

“Now I don’t know what to say” he admitted, unsure what to think.

“Jon, there’s something else you need to know too” I added. It seemed like the right time to share something else we’d never discussed and he looked at me rather helplessly.

“It may help you understand where I’m coming from better” I encouraged.

“Okay then, tell me, because I’m listening. I’m still trying to digest that you won’t marry me because you love me. It’s a little hard to wrap my mind around that one right now and not think you just aren’t ready to make a commitment” he sighed and I knew I needed to tell him the rest.

“Jon. I’m a Wiccan. That’s why I don’t always think about things in the way that others do” I began.

“A wicken? What’s a wicken?” he asked, looking very confused.

“Basically it means I’m a witch” I laughed now, seeing the surprise as his eyes widened.

“You’re a what!?” he replied. “Baby, you sure are a mystery and you may have cast a spell on me, but you’re no witch. Denise Richards. Now she’s a witch!” he said vehemently, telling me what little he understood about witches.

“No, love, not a witch like that. I’m not evil, at least not usually” I laughed again. “Witch is the traditional name for those who follow Wicca, a very ancient pagan spiritual belief system. We don’t believe in marriage and we see it as a civil ceremony that people engage in for all kinds of reasons, but we don’t equate it with love. When people are in love and want to commit themselves to each other exclusively, and spiritually, we have a ritual called Handfasting and that is what I would want to offer you as evidence of my love and faith in us. It will bind us to each other in this lifetime and for all lifetimes to come, until the end of time” I explained.

Jon looked stunned. I could understand why. This was all new to him and it was a lot to take in and certainly not something I expected him to accept without fully understanding and needing to consider. I had wanted to tell him, to share myself more fully with him, but I had thought to do it more gradually. But the question of marriage forced me to tell him now.

“Are you okay? I hadn’t really planned to tell you quite this way, but I wanted you to really know me and understand who I am. Jon, I’m not expecting an answer right now. I know you need time to think and that you probably have a lot of questions. But please, say something so I know you’re okay!” I pleaded, fearing I had made a mistake in revealing so much so soon.

“I’m okay, I’m just trying to absorb all this. I’d heard of people who call themselves witches, but I always thought they worshipped the devil. I’m not real religious myself, but I believe in God, at least a concept of a higher being, but I don’t worship the devil and I never will. Witches always scared me, but you don’t scare me. I just don’t understand all this” he said, spreading his hands before him.

“Jon, listen to me. I do not worship the devil, or Satan, for pity’s sake, or any other incarnation of evil. I was raised as a Christian, but it never worked for me. I found Wicca many years ago and it clicked. It made sense. We believe in a higher power, an energy, if you will, that guides the universe, but is embodied in each and every one of us and all things natural in the world. It is the universal force that connects us all to one another and to nature. In the simplest sense, I worship nature and give thanks to all that nature gives us, both in the world around us and within our own bodies” I elaborated.

“I need to know more. I want to understand. But it’s all foreign to me. This Handfasting you mentioned? It’s like a union of souls, then? You really aren’t rejecting marriage because you’re afraid of commitment?” he asked, almost incredulous.

“No, babe, I’m not afraid of commitment at all. And yes, it’s a spiritual union that transcends our physical incarnations. I believe in reincarnation, love. So to me, Handfasting is a much more serious commitment than marriage. But I don’t expect that from you now, although I know in my heart that we’ve been together for many lifetimes and that we always will be. I know you are truly my soul mate” I explained.

“Wow. I get that now. I feel that way too, but marriage is the only word I knew that came close. Can we do this? Can we be joined this way? I am ready for that even if I don’t understand everything about your beliefs yet. I want you more than anything and forever doesn’t scare me at all. I know you are my soul mate in every way and I trust that” he said excitedly as understanding began to dawn.

“Yes, baby, we can be joined again. We have been in other lifetimes. I’ve wanted to share this with you more than you can imagine, but not until you’ve had a chance to learn more about what it means and about Wicca and you’re sure that this is right for you too” I said gently.

I held my own excitement in check because I needed to be sure he really understood and could fully accept what I was offering. But I was thrilled beyond my wildest dreams that I might be able to share this with Jon and that he was open to it.

“Teach me, babe. I knew there was a reason we found each other that day in the sauna. I’m anxious to find the peace within myself that I’ve found in you” he said, and I knew we could only move forward from here.