The Sauna Part 95

Quitting time finally came and I headed for home, glad that the day was finally over. I marveled at how much my life had changed over the past month. I used to be the last one to leave work and I’d often go in on the weekends to catch up or I’d usually end up working from home. And here I was today, the first one out the door and speeding in my hurry to get home. I now had something more to go home for than just the cats.

I pulled in the driveway and Jon was outside, cleaning up the bike. He looked up as I drove in and smiled as he walked to the car and opened the door. I stepped out and into his waiting arms.

“I missed you, babe” he murmured in my ear.

“I missed you too” I said, burying my head into his hair and breathing deeply, soaking in the familiar scent of him.

“Are you hungry? I got us something for dinner” he said, his eyes sparkling as he looked down at me.

“And dessert?” I asked, raising my brows.

“Oh yeah, I got it. How could I forget dessert?” he grinned mischievously.

We walked into the house, arm in arm, and Jon pointed to the bucket of KFC on the counter and I nodded approvingly.

“Let me go and get cleaned up. Why don’t you put it in the oven to warm up while I change my clothes?” I suggested.

“I’d rather help you change your clothes and put something in your oven” he said playfully, nuzzling my ear, and I shivered in response.

“Food first, then dessert” I replied, though his suggestion was far more tempting.

“Alright, if you insist” he laughed as he released me.

I went into the bathroom and washed up, and changed into a pair of jeans and an old sweatshirt. Zeke came in and jumped on the bed, looking at me expectantly. I reached out and he rubbed his face against my hand. He was back to being my cat again now that Richie was gone and I scooped him up and walked back into the kitchen as he rubbed his cheeks against my face.

“He’s missing Richie already” I announced as I walked back into the kitchen.

“Yeah, I think he is. He just looked at me disappointedly when I got back from the airport and waited by the door, looking for Richie. He ran off when I shut the door and I haven’t seen him since until now” Jon laughed, but he reached out to scratch behind his ears and Zeke purred loudly.

I got out some plates and set the table as Jon took a few side dishes out of the frig and popped the potatoes into the microwave. He opened a bottle of wine and poured us each a glass before joining me at the table. I noticed the cats had fresh water and food and that made me smile, realizing Jon was getting used to the routine too.

Dinner was ready and we were both hungry. I loved KFC chicken and laughed as we both loaded our plates with the breasts, thinking neither of us liked the dark meat particularly. Fortunately there was plenty as Jon had bought a bucket and there was enough food to feed a family. We chatted as we ate and Jon asked about my day and I shared my concerns about having to begin telling my clients that I was leaving.

“Will someone take over for you when you leave?” he asked, wondering how it would work.

“I doubt it. At least not right away. They’ll have to post the job and see if there is anyone internally who wants it, which I kinda doubt, and then advertise the position. I can transfer my clients to one or two of my workers, but I have some reservations about it. Transfers usually don’t go well and I have one client that’s been with me for six years” I explained.

We continued to talk more over dinner as Jon seemed rather surprised at some of the issues and I realized he didn’t really know much about the details of my job. He listened and asked questions as he learned more about what I actually did there and he began to appreciate more why I had to give at least a month’s notice.

“It sounds like they are going to really miss you at work. I almost feel guilty about stealing you away” he said thoughtfully.

“I have so many mixed feelings myself about leaving. I’ve invested so much of myself into this job and it’ll be hard to walk away if I can’t be sure I’m leaving it all in good hands. I keep looking for some way I can still stay involved, like a consultant or even a volunteer. I just don’t think I can walk away altogether, but I don’t want to be tied to a regular schedule any more. I want to be able to spend more time with you and be able to travel. And I don’t want to endure long separations while you’re on tour or back in Jersey and I’m working. I plan to talk to Angie later this week about how I can still stay involved, at least to do training when I’m in town. I’m really invested in making sure that all the clinical improvements we made to the program don’t fall by the wayside” I explained.

Jon finished his last piece of chicken and pushed his chair back from the table. He took a deep breath and looked at me thoughtfully. Finally he spoke.

“So it sounds like you’re not really ready to retire from working then?” he said, sounding a bit deflated and I was surprised.

“Jon, did you think that when I leave the job that I would just settle into being a housewife? Surely you didn’t think I would close that door and never look back? Could you do that?” I asked incredulously.

“I guess I did” he replied, hanging his head and avoiding my eyes.

I began to realize then that we had very different notions of what this was going to mean for each of us. I could not imagine suddenly giving up everything I had worked so hard to achieve. I didn’t want the daily grind of working five days a week and I knew that my level of commitment to the job now was not the same as what it had been before I met Jon. I knew that I didn’t want to live for work anymore. But I didn’t want to throw it all away either as though it meant nothing to me anymore. I needed to stay involved on some level and use the skills I had developed. My life had to mean something more, something beyond loving this man.

“Jon, I love you with all my heart and soul, but my life needs to be about more than just that. I need to feel productive in my own right. To contribute to making the world a better place in my own way. I could never be happy or fulfilled just being in your shadow and supporting your work any more than you could be content in the reverse position. Please tell me you understand that” I begged.

“Baby, I do. When you put it that way, I do. I get it. I just hadn’t thought it all through. I had this sort of fantasy, I guess, about how things would be and it was sort of all about me” he laughed, smiling wryly as I looked at him with surprise.

“I wouldn’t be the person you fell in love with, babe, if I gave up who I am” I said quietly.

“I get that now, and you’re right, I know that. I guess I’m just not used to sharing the spotlight with someone else. I really am a selfish bastard. Richie was right” he confessed.

“Richie? What do you mean? You aren’t selfish, just used to being in charge” I responded.

“Richie has always called me a selfish bastard because I don’t discuss anything with anyone before I make a decision. I used to joke about being a benevolent dictator in the band, but the truth is that I do make all the decisions and then just expect everyone else to tow the line behind me and support me, but I never consult with anyone” he admitted.

“Jon, I do understand that. I used to be the same way, but I was fortunate enough to have a really patient mentor in Angie, and she taught me over time the value and necessity of listening and accepting feedback. No matter how good your intentions are, no one will support a dictator and the pushback will only make your job harder. Outcomes are really better when you let people contribute and you share control. No one person has all the answers” I said sympathetically because I really did know where he was coming from and learning this lesson had been a hard pill for me to swallow too.

“I guess I really don’t know how to share control. And here I’d thought I was being so generous when I let others make some decisions, but I always controlled which ones” he said, reflecting back on his own thoughts from just the night before.

“I understand exactly where you’re coming from, love. I had to learn too. You’ll get it. Besides, I love a challenge and I’m patient” I teased.

Jon shook his head doubtfully, wondering if he could ever accept being a leader without being in control. It was a hard concept for him to wrap his mind around. He thought about his mother, who he knew he was like, and how she dominated his father and had tried to dominate him as well. For Jon, the world was still quite black and white. He thought he understood about shades of gray. Hell, he’d even written about it. And here he was again, finding himself thinking that the only two options he saw were to be in control or be controlled. Perhaps he still needed to grow and perhaps he still had more to learn about people and power.

“Be gentle with me, baby” he said then, smiling at me.

I reached across the table and took his hand as I looked into his eyes. He looked dubious, but so far he had been open and receptive. We’d just negotiated some pretty muddy water and there had been no temper tantrum. It seemed time for a reward.

“Ready for dessert?” I asked with a wink.